Some Awesome Programming Jokes

A COBOL programmer made so much money doing Y2K remediation that he was able to have himself cryogenically frozen when he died. One day in the future, he was unexpectedly resurrected.

When he asked why he was unfrozen, he was told:

"It's the year 9999 - and you know COBOL"

A man walks into a pet shop and sees 3 monkeys, each in a cage and each with a computer. The man is curious and walks up to the clerk and asks - what is the story with the moneys?

"They are programming monkeys - for example this one here can complete 100 lines of C++ in an hour - only 100$"

The first monkey was busy typing away, and sure enough it was flawless code.

They moved onto the second monkey who was typing even faster.

"This monkey knows Java, C++ and helped develop Julia - 1000$ for this one".

"What about that last monkey in the biggest cage?" the man asked.

"Well he is 10000$'s...."

"That's must be an amazing monkey! What does he do?” the man asked.

"Well, when he was brought in all he did was sit there while the other monkeys worked, so we figured he must be executive management."

A programmer heads out to the store. His wife says "while you're out, get some milk."
He never came home.

A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp.  He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.  “I am the most powerful genie in the world.  I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.” 

The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.” 

The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know.  Those people have been fighting for millennia.  I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.” 

The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users.  Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”

At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that Middle East map again.”

A programmer finds himself in front of a committee that decides whether he should go to Heaven or Hell.  The committee tells the programmer he has a say in the matter and asks him if he wants to see either Heaven or Hell before stating his preference.

“Sure,” the programmer replies.  “I have a pretty good idea what Heaven is like, so let’s see Hell.”  So an angel takes the programmer to a sunny beach, full of beautiful women in skimpy bikinis playing volleyball, listening to music and having a great time.  “Wow!” he exclaims, “Hell looks great!  I’ll take Hell!”

Instantly the programmer finds himself in red-hot lava with demons tearing at his flesh.  “Where’s the beach?  The music?  The women?” he screams frantically to the angel.

“That was the demo,” the angel replies as she vanishes.

Q: Why do most C++ programmers stop after one child?

A: Because multiple inheritance is a headache.

Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?

A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat…

Why do Java programmers wear glasses?

Because they don't C#! (See Sharp)

Unix is user friendly. 
It’s just very particular about who its friends are.

Why C gets all the girls and Java doesn't? 
Because C doesn't treat them like objects.

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"